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Things I have learned from action movies
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| Doubting Thomas |
Posted on 03/09/2010 17:15
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Here's a few important facts I have learned from watching action movies:
Every time a car goes over a cliff, it will explode in a huge fireball.
One man with a pistol can outgun twenty guys with automatic weapons.
All Asian males are experts in martial arts.
It is necessary for a police officer to beat the bad guy up before taking him in, but the bad guy will get shot by someone else when he reaches for a gun.
If a car is on fire, it won't explode until just seconds after someone is pulled from it to safety.
A typical handgun holds from 50 to 100 rounds of ammunition. An automatic weapon holds around 1000.
You can buy any kind of weapon you can think of at army surplus stores.
If a guy is a good guy hero, he can get shot several times and still duke it out with the villian, but a villian's henchman will die from a superficial gunshot wound.
A villain never dies from simply being shot by the hero, he always dies in some incredibly complex and unusual manner.
All villains speak English but with obscure foreign accents.
Time bombs always have displays with large red numbers that count down the seconds until they explode.
No building will have ventilation ducts too small to crawl through, and they will always be well-lighted.
A hand grenade won't explode until after a hero picks it up and throws it back at the guy who threw it at him.
Edited by Doubting Thomas on 03/09/2010 17:55 |
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| Bob of QF |
Posted on 03/09/2010 19:10
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Doubting Thomas wrote:
Time bombs always have displays with large red numbers that count down the seconds until they explode.
And? Cutting the power-supply wire will not blank-out the display, but instead it will helpfully cease counting down.
Doubting Thomas wrote:
No building will have ventilation ducts too small to crawl through, and they will always be well-lighted.
And? There are never any sharp-pointy screws protruding into said ductwork to snag clothes on, or puncture knees and hands*...
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* he says from personal experience, having to remove obstructions from said ductwork, by crawling into it a bit.
...and from having actually installed said ductwork. Believe me-- there are always pointy screws.... everywhere.
Quantum Junction: Use both lanes
Reality is that which is left, after you stop believing. |
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| catman |
Posted on 03/09/2010 21:29
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DT: Ain't it the truth?!
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| Sinny |
Posted on 03/10/2010 00:23
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ha ha ha or a hero that didn't have perfectly straight bright (bleached) white teeth.
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| derF |
Posted on 03/10/2010 00:26
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The heroine will always subdue an attacker in hand to hand combat even though the bad guy is three times larger than her.
I'll drink to that. Or anything else for that matter. |
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| Theory_Execution |
Posted on 03/10/2010 13:13
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What about the guard who is always either distracted by smoking or needing a piss.
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| Doubting Thomas |
Posted on 03/10/2010 19:02
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Yeah I always liked how cutting the red wire (not the blue!) on a time bomb will stop the display just one or two seconds from detonation. When in reality all they'd really have to do is disconnect the battery.
Oh here's one more: It is possible to jump through a plate glass window without getting so much as a scratch.
And when you get shot, the force of the bullet will push you back about 5 feet.
Any more?
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| Theory_Execution |
Posted on 03/10/2010 19:21
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The evil genius, if they ever catch the hero, will never stay around to see that the good guy is executed in a timely, nononsense manner, instead opting to leave him/her with one or two flippant henchmen.
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| Hypatia |
Posted on 03/10/2010 21:06
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What about the cars that squeal their tires on dirt roads.
Thought most movie makers had learned to avoid this obvious one by now, but apparently not all of them have received that memo yet.
`*`When words fail, music speaks. `*` Music is what feelings sound like.`*` |
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| Theory_Execution |
Posted on 03/10/2010 22:02
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Ah but Hypatia, over here in the UK we poke fun at american cars and how they are not designed to turn corners, maybe the noise is coming from the tyre hitting the wheel arch?
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| catman |
Posted on 03/11/2010 00:18
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It wouldn't make the same sound.
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| Hypatia |
Posted on 03/11/2010 03:31
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Theory_Execution wrote:
Ah but Hypatia, over here in the UK we poke fun at american cars and how they are not designed to turn corners, maybe the noise is coming from the tyre hitting the wheel arch?
Has anyone else watched a movie or t.v. show where a speeding car, usually involved in a very dramatic high speed chase, turns a sharp corner, or makes a u-turn, and there's the sound of tires screeching - but the car is on a dirt road? I think it happened more in older films, but it still does.
Edited by Hypatia on 03/11/2010 03:32
`*`When words fail, music speaks. `*` Music is what feelings sound like.`*` |
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| Theory_Execution |
Posted on 03/11/2010 09:40
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I cant think of one. There must be clips of them on the internetz.
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| seeker |
Posted on 03/11/2010 18:11
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The most important thing to remember is that any office worker with little to no training is able to outfight any variety of highly trained military or terrorist personnel, often whole squads of them.
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| Bob of QF |
Posted on 03/11/2010 23:30
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More Movie Logic:
* Any computer will run any computer virus, regardless of brand, age, type, or architecture. Even Alien computers will run human-created computer viruses.
* Any computer will have giant fonts, and graphical log-ins. Even as far back as the 80's.
* Any computer password will be obvious.
* All computers have obvious "back doors" that circumvent all security protocols. And these "back doors" will work from any computer, anywhere, any time-- regardless if that computer is connected to anything or not.
* Movie Logic dictates, that any countdown cannot possibly be circumvented until a minimum of 5 seconds to the end. Moreover, the countdown clock will helpfully stop at 1 or 2 seconds left, even if all power is disconnected to the device.
* No movie computers ever suffer from screen-lock ups, crashes or that infamous blue-screen of death.
* All movie internet searches always return the most significant results within the first 2 or 3 things sought-- most often, it's the first item in the list-- Google's "I'm feeling Lucky" button.
* In movies/tv shows, everything is computer-searchable-- including old newspapers/land deeds dating back to the 16th centuries.
* No "stool pigeons"/informants will ever give up information, unless they are first beaten to a pulp. Then, miraculously they (in spite of serious head trauma) remember every detail like it was written on cue-cards, and suddenly are very helpful. And another miracle, after this ill treatment, it never occurs to them to lie.
* Cops/heros always manage to locate the one informant that has the critical information, with the very first person they question. We never see endless dead-ends of "I dunno" and "I saw nothing" that is typical of real world detective work.
* In spite of hours of running around at high speed, no movie cars ever need to fill up with gas, nor replace worn tires, nor overheat from overstressed engines.
* All movie cell phones always work, no matter where the hero happens to be. Never any dead zones, nor dead cell batteries-- sometimes even after a serious dunking in water.
* Movie aircraft, especially helicopters, never run out of fuel-- they often cross the entire US and back, without stopping for anything. Sometimes after being shot up as well.
* All forensic labs in Movies give instant results, or at most, an hour or so. Contrast with real life, where 2 to 5 weeks is the norm.
* All movie labs always give the complete read-out of the blood test: up to, and including the person's ancestry, what they had for lunch last week, and the entire history of chemical/drug exposure from the day they were born. Contrast with real labs, who only give results of whatever chemicals were being tested for-- a very different thing. If you don't test for a specific chemical/drug? You do not have a clue if it's present or not.
* In movies, nobody ever dies saying something stupid, such as "Hey! Watch this!" or "Hey! Look at me!" or "I wonder what this button will---" or "I never expected the sp---". No, in movies/TV, there is always time for clever last words that even Shakespeare might be proud of authoring.
Quantum Junction: Use both lanes
Reality is that which is left, after you stop believing. |
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| Doubting Thomas |
Posted on 03/12/2010 17:56
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The evil genius, if they ever catch the hero, will never stay around to see that the good guy is executed in a timely, nononsense manner, instead opting to leave him/her with one or two flippant henchmen.
Yeah, especially if it's a James Bond movie, right? And they made fun of this in the first Austin Powers movie.
Scott Evil: "You're at least going to watch them die, aren't you?"
Dr. Evil: "No, I'm going to place them in an easily escapable situation and assume that all goes to plan."
* Any computer password will be obvious.
This is not so far from the truth. It was reported not too long ago that the most-used computer passwords are something along the lines of:
password
12345
123456
qwerty
iloveyou
and various other easily-guessed passwords.
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