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Abraham, revisited.
Bob of QF
It has come to light, the *real* story of Abraham, God, and his imminent sacrifice of Issac. Now, at last, the real story can be told...

God: "Hmmm. I'm BORED. I think I'll have a little FUN with my #1 follower, Abraham."

God to Abraham: "Hey, Abraham! Dude! Wake-up, man, it's your Lord."

Abraham (bows to ground): "Lord! How may I be abused--erm--how may I please you today?"

(Abraham had already been through several abusive situations at the hand of the bible's god--- one occasion Abraham was even forced to pretend his wife was only his sister, to avoid them both being killed-- such was the "care" of the bible's god for his #1 fan...)

God to Abraham: "I'm kinda bored, my pet."

Abraham (facing ground): **groan** "This is not another one of those times where I have to pretend Sarah is my sister, is it?"

God: "Nooooo...but that **was** hilarious! You should'a seen the look on your wife's face when you introduced here as your sister-- priceless."

Abraham:(under his breath) "Yeah, funny--Sarah was furious for that one, I tell you....she wouldn't sleep with me for years... "

God:(continuing, ignoring Abraham's muttering-- a common occurrence fortunately for Abraham) "No, this is way cooler."

Abraham:*sigh* "Tell me oh Lord, how may I serve?"

God:(with gleeful, but suspense in his voice) "I need you to make.... a sacrifice!"

Abraham:(relieved) "Oh, is *that* all! No problemo, Lord! I'll get right on it-- I have this newborn lamb, in fact-- just the ticket! I know how you just love the slaughter and burning of newborns!"

God: "You are quite correct, I *do* so love the sight and smell of dead, burning babies, no this is to be a *real* hum-dinger of a sacrifice! You'll *love* it!"

Abraham:(wary, now) "Ooooo-kaaay. Do I need wood?"

God: "Oh, yes-- lots and lots of wood!"

Abraham:(still wary) "A ritual killing knife, I suppose? I remember the 'lesson' of Cain, and I know you hate it when we 'sacrifice' plants..."

God: "Well, duuuh: plants don't **bleed**, you dolt! Sheesh, haven't you figured out that I love the sight of blood flowing freely?"

Abraham:(under his breath) "yeah, we know..."

God:(oblivious, talking over Abraham) "No, this will be an Ultimate Sacrifice: I want you to..... <dramatic pause>

..... kill your only son!"

Abraham:(startled) "What? But, you promised that he would be the father of whole nations!"

God:(gleeful, now) "Oh, I know! Isn't it a wonderful irony? One day, a Canadian will make a bunch of money off the irony....wait, that hasn't happened yet.... nevermind that, I, God, Command you to Go Sacrifice Your Only Son. Now. Like, immediately!"

Abraham: <resigned> *sigh* "You're sure...?" <shoulders slumped>

God:(gleeful) "Yes, indeedy! Hop-to it, my man! Chop-Chop-- I can't wait for the blood to start flowing...!"


Abraham prepares much wood, his ceremonial killing knife, and drags his one son away from his chores.

Abraham: <sadly> "Come, son. The Lord has asked us to Sacrifice today."

Iaasic: <gleefully, not realizing the sadness in his father's voice> <jumps up and down with excitement> "Oh, goody! I love killing baby animals... can I slit the throat, dad? Can I? Can I?"

Abraham: "Not this time, son. The Lord asked me, specifically to do it."

Iaasic: <slightly dejected> "Awwww.... you *always* get to do the good part..." <brightens> "Still-- we get to kill something, right?"

Abraham: "Right. You can build the fire, though."

Iaasic: <joy> "Oh boy! Oh boy! I love those giant bonfires....too cool...."

Iaasic skips along beside Abraham in anticipation of the bloodletting and bonfire to come....


Soon enough, Abraham and Isaac get to the top of the hill, where all the bloodletting and ritual murdering of baby animals to their god is usually performed.

The dirt is darkly stained, and there is a nearby firepit, circled by many blackened and fire-cracked stones.

There is a stench of death and decay about the place, and off to the side, discretely behind some bushes, is an offal pile, where things unsuitable for The Lord are unceremoniously tossed.

Isaac quickly builds a great fire, from the available wood and brush-- soon it's ablaze.

Abraham sadly watches his only son's industry, thinking it's for the last time.

Finally the fire is done, and Isaac goes back to his father, next to the blood-stained rock where the ritual killings have often taken place in the past.

Isaac: "what are we gonna kill today, dad? Hunh? Is it gonna be a big, strong lion? Hunh?"

Abraham: "No, Isaac, you know Our Lord hates the killing of strong and powerful animals. It won't be a lion."

Isaac: "How about a fierce eagle? Are we gonna kill an eagle?"

Abraham: "No, son, you know Our Lord refuses the sacrifice of such a noble and powerful animal."

Isaac: "Awww, it's not gonna be another little baby rabbit, is it?"

Abraham: "No, son, although our Lord dearly loves the slaughter of helpless baby rabbits, it's not going to be a baby rabbit this time."

Isaac: "How about a baby lamb? Or a baby goat? Or maybe a baby calf? Are we gonna do a baby calf? I love it when we cut a baby calf-- they have tons of blood in'em, and they bleed for a really long time-- it's way cool."

Abraham: "No, son, although Our Lord **loves** the slaughter of baby sheep, baby goats and especially baby calves, thats not the sacrifice today."

Isaac: "well, then WHAT?"

Abraham: <heavy sigh> "No, son... today, we sacrifice a human."

Isaac: "Way--cool! Who?"

Abraham: <brandishing the ritual knife> "Who do you think?" <motions around the hilltop> "Do you see anyone else?"

Isaac: <dawns, slowly> "Oh.....since you are holding the knife, and I'm not...." <begins to bawl> "but I do-WANNA-be-the-sacrifice---I- do-wanna!"

Isaac was well trained in the bloody religion of his father: he knew the uselessness of trying to resist, so he just stood there bawling, while his father slowly picks him up, and puts him on the blood-stained rock.

Abraham, with a heavy sigh, slowly raises his knife, "I'll make it as painless as I can, son, just close your that.... it'll be over soon..."

God: <breaks in> <laughing uproariously> "Okay, okay, that's far enough...<laughs> should'a seen your FACE, Abraham...<laughs>.... it was PRICELESS....<laughs>... .but the best part?" <laughing louder, can't continue>

Abraham: <sighs, with not a little relief> "No, Lord, what was the 'best part'?"

God: <still chuckling>" The *best* part was the slow dawning on Ickabod's-- on Isreal's--(what's his name again?)--on your son's face as it slowly dawned on him that HE was to be the Main Feast." <god laughs out loud again> "That. Was. Priceless, my man! So frikkin' FUNNY!"

Abraham: <hollow laugh> "Yes, indeed it was quite funny, Lord. Wasn't it funny, Isaac?" <motions to Isaac to get off the rock>

Isaac: <forced, nervous laughing> "Oh, Yes! So Very Funny! Ha!ha!ha!ha!ha!ha!ha!ha!ha! "

Abraham: "That was an excellent Joke, Oh Lord!"

God: <still laughing, pretty much ignoring Abraham and Isaac> "That was my Best Joke Ever! You *have* to write this one down, Abraham-- you Have to! And include wos'is'name, Ishmael, okay?"

Isaac: <now giggling uncontrollably>

Abraham: "I'll be sure and do just that, Lord...."
Edited by Bob of QF on 04/09/2010 21:46
Sounds very early Stephen King-ish.

Bob of QF
Hypatia wrote:
Sounds very early Stephen King-ish.


*blushes* thanks.

I penned that today (yesterday?) in a moment of inspiration.

I was going more for a combination of MPFC and Bill Cosby, with a bit of role reversal there (Abraham depicted as smarter and more ethical than biblegod)
I could see the Cosby influence. I was thinking of his Noah monologue as I read this.
Oh God said to Abraham, “Kill me a son”
Abe says, “Man, you must be puttin’ me on”
God say, “No.” Abe say, “What?”
God say, “You can do what you want Abe, but
The next time you see me comin’ you better run”
Well Abe says, “Where do you want this killin’ done?”
God says, “Out on Highway 61”

A great intro to one of my favorite Dylan songs.
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