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Sad Update
RayvenAlandria
I feel as Sinny does. Although it sounds cruel, it can be a relief to know a loved one no longer suffers so terribly. I felt that way when my paternal grandmother died, she suffered for years and I think she would have preferred to die long before she did. My maternal grandmother and paternal grandfather were a different story, they took ill and turned for the worse so quickly that they didn't suffer for long. We didn't have time to emotionally prepare ourselves when they died, and in that sense it was worse, but for them it was better because they didn't suffer agony for years as my paternal grandmother did.

You will have to go through the feelings of loss, mixed with feelings of relief and not knowing what to do with yourself. (suddenly having more free time,not having to wake up and check on her etc...). Once that stage is over life will probably feel more peaceful and you can enjoy the memory of her without having your heart break.
 
General-Pryce
Hypatia: You have my sincerest warm thoughts at this time. It's good that she went peacefully and is no longer suffering with the illness.

Take care and I hope the arrangements for the funeral aren't too difficult.

Love and Regards, Alex
 
neilmarr
Love to you and your family and friends, Patia. Neil & Skovia
 
Hypatia
JohnH wrote:
I offer you my greatest sympathy and my greatest relief. I do not mean to be cruel to your mother in law, you or your husband. I want you to know something. After a period of grief you will have you MIL back. Not that living thing that you had to deal with but the woman you loved and cared for.


Thank you John. I don't think you cruel, and I fully understand your anger that your Mom and aunt were essentially stolen away by this wretched disease. I also understand and appreciate what you mean about eventually having my MIL back again. We've been going through lots of photos - so many old and from days we weren't even part of, and many from days we were part of - and they've all made us smile, and happy, and remembering the real person she was. There are reminders all around us of her and the life she lead prior to her becoming ill, and we're already beginning to find it a little easier to focus on those memories rather than the harder, sadder, latter days.

Sinny wrote:
Hypatia I feel such sadness for you and your family and yet at the same time I feel relief too. I'm sorry if that doesn't sound right, I mean well when I do. I'm glad she's no longer suffering and she didn't suffer any longer than she already had. I'm sorry for yours and Michaels loss Patia. The worst is now over. Sometimes death is better than lifeless existence and what your MIL went through was no longer living a life. That's how I had to look at it when my Dad died.


RayvenAlandria wrote:
I feel as Sinny does. Although it sounds cruel, it can be a relief to know a loved one no longer suffers so terribly. I felt that way when my paternal grandmother died, she suffered for years and I think she would have preferred to die long before she did. My maternal grandmother and paternal grandfather were a different story, they took ill and turned for the worse so quickly that they didn't suffer for long. We didn't have time to emotionally prepare ourselves when they died, and in that sense it was worse, but for them it was better because they didn't suffer agony for years as my paternal grandmother did.

You will have to go through the feelings of loss, mixed with feelings of relief and not knowing what to do with yourself. (suddenly having more free time,not having to wake up and check on her etc...). Once that stage is over life will probably feel more peaceful and you can enjoy the memory of her without having your heart break.


It doesn't sound cruel - I agree with you both. While we (her family, and her friends) have been saddened at loosing her, I have come to feel a sense of relief that she's no longer living the way she was. No one (I don't imagine) would want to live that way. She was always so active and sharp minded, and even with the Alzheimer's robbing her mind of that sharpness and of most of her memory, I feel certain she really didn't want to live the way she was - I think there were moments she had some kind of awareness of the difference in her life from what it once was - the difference in her mental state. I always hoped that didn't cause her to suffer emotionally.

Anyway, of course we'll miss her - she was a dear, wonderful person to so many, and to her three sons there is now a hole in their hearts that their Mom always filled, and no one else but her could ever fill. But yes, I know that at least for my husband and myself there is relief she isn't suffering at all any more.

I guess this is one of those times when that saying, 'If you love someone, let them go... ' comes in.

All at the same time this has been one of the hardest things I've ever done, but also one of the easiest, if that makes any sense. Hard, for what I think are obvious reasons, but easy because when you love someone it is easy to do something for them, even if it's hard. No doubt those of you with children will understand that sentiment.

The last of the family left this afternoon - one of my BILs. He stayed longer than the rest of the family to help my husband and I take care of some of the gazillion things that need to be done when someone dies. The list of details is mind boggling! Michael and I made a Thanksgiving dinner for the three of us last night (and we'll have another on the 27th *grin*), which was delicious, but a little bitter-sweet, since it was our first without their Mom.

GP, Cat, Neil and Skovia, Sinny, Rayven - everyone - thank you all for your words of support and kindness at this time. My husband and family also very much appreciate your thoughtfulness and have asked that I convey their thanks.












 
Sugarfree
Sorry Hypatia, ive made little or no attempts at comfort or consilation untill now - i suppose it seemed inapropriate. But the reality is nothing is more comforting than kind words from strangers.
Much love to you and those who endure along side you, Sf.
 
cheshiredragon
Hypatia wrote:
She died, peacefully, Sunday morning.

We will miss her terribly, and always.

People will begin arriving Wednesday, and we'll have a simple graveside service at the Santa Fe National Cemetery on Thursday, where her husband is buried.

We're on our way to the mortuary in a little while to make arrangements for her cremation and the services.

I don't know how many times I woke up during the night last night and then realized that I didn't need to look at the video monitor, or get up to turn her or give her medication. Yesterday I headed to her door a few times before stopping, remembering. I know, this will soon pass too.

Even in the sorrow of no longer having her with us, there is some gladness that she's no longer 'lost' inside the mind that disease left her with.


My apologies for not saying anything sooner. I am not cold hearted or anything. i just don't know what to say in certain situations such as this. Death for me is just another thing that gets in the way of life. I have had many close relatives die in recent years and the las one was last Sunday(16th) and it was by suicide. My great Uncle Bill. he was 83 and shot himself in the head. I am not sad and don't blame him really. I seem to be the only one in the family that doesn't think this is a selfish act. I just wish he told us he was going to do it so we could all have said our good-byes. He suffered from Parkinson's and something else I can't remember. I understand he did it because I, myself would not want to live that way either.

I am sad for you loss and at least you knew she was going and could prepare for the inevitable. That is how it is with my grandfather right now. I was at least able to tell him how I felt and what a great influence he has been on my life and decisions I have made. Thanked him for being more of a father than my biological father ever was. When he goes it will be a sad day no doubt but, i will not cry or wish he was still here because death is supposed to happen and i was at least able to say what I wanted to say and he knows it now.
I don't know how to end this conversation so I am just going to say that my best to you and your family and take care of yourselves and be strong.

-Richard
That's right, I said it...
 
Hypatia
Thanks for your kind sentiments SF, and yours also CD.

I understand where you're coming from CD - death is a part of life, and a part that I accept as well. I can certainly understand the people who loved and cared for and about your uncle Bill wanting to have one last opportunity to talk with him, tell him that they loved him, etc. Perhaps he was 'afraid' someone would try to stop him, or talk him out of it - who knows. But I also believe that a person should be able to end their own life when they think it's time to. My hope in a situation such as that is that anyone choosing to end their life would take some things into consideration - such as how they do it and then who will find them if they haven't forewarned anyone, etc., but that is kind of another discussion.

We do consider ourselves fortunate that we were able to prepare ourselves, as much as we could, for my MIL's death, and were able to tell her anything we wanted to before she died. I'm glad you've been able to do this with your grandfather, especially since the two of you are so close. It does, I think, make saying the good-bye 'complete', as I've had people close to me die with whom I didn't get to say 'good-bye'.

BTW, it never crossed my mind that you might be anything other than good 'ol CD just because you hadn't said anything before. Words are difficult at these times, but I know we'd all be in each others thoughts none the less.



 
Hypatia
And CD, I'm sorry about the loss of your uncle Bill. Even though it's okay with you that he chose to go, I'm sure you'll still miss him.

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Edited by Hypatia on 11/24/2008 00:39
 
willie
Sorry to hear your sad news 'patia. Love to all.
 
Sinny
CD man that is hard to loose a loved one unexpectedly. I'm sorry about your uncle Bill suffering so much he had to use a gun to end his pain. You have a good positive outlook and I applaud you for that. I think maybe the reason some people call suicide a selfish act is because they weren't prepared for it and that made it much more hurtful to them. They really need to sit back and think about what the person who committed suicide was going through not what they are now going through to understand and accept his/her reasons.

It's one thing to commit suicide when too young to understand the consequences or because life is a bitch, loosing a job, money etc. It's quite another when that person is suffering in pain, so severe it will never go away even with meds b/c the body does eventually adjustand and meds no longer work, a debilitating disease that destroys their quality of life. IMO under circumstances like that it's by no means selfish to end one's own life. Would they want to live his/her life like that.
 
Sugarfree
Right to life = Right to death, ive always said so.
 
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