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Holy shit, I'm getting all misty eyed...
jayon
I thought I had seen the last of everyone. Catman, Photon, SolidSquid, Schmoo (of course)... sorry everyone else (seeker and etc) I just can't name everybody... I missed all yous guys. I've been moving about so much and now am back in Texas. Yeah, I know! Solid? Are you in San Marcos? I'm in San Antonio. Well, glad to see you all again. I'm going to browse around...
 
RayvenAlandria
Jayon! So glad to see you again? What's been going on?
 
jayon
RayvenAlandria wrote:
Jayon! So glad to see you again? What's been going on?


I'm badly in need of getting laid. That should tell you how it's kind of going. Slow as hell.

My wife is back in Brasil and I'm lonely again here in the states. I long to head overseas again, but am trying hard not to be a gypsy right now. I've just stopped moving about after going back and forth from Texas to Washington to Portland to Texas and over and over. I'm tired of moving and there is no sense to it anymore. I'm just running to find something that isn't there. I've decided to stop and somehow ended up in San Antonio. I know nobody here. Houston, Austin, Dallas, El Paso, or Corpus Christi, but NO... I had to pick San Antonio. Well, it's not so bad a city though. I shouldn't even be in this state (another story), but here I am.

I'm homeless. I've yet to get myself off my ass, and have grown complacent. I'm waiting for someone to kick me swiftly in the ass, but I have to be the one that dislocates my foot to do that. I let my marriage falling apart effect me so much, I have a fear of relationships. Now, I can't talk to anyone and want to be with them. It makes me want to run away. I feel so torn between wanting companionship and not really wanting to be around anyone. Oh, well. I'll get it worked out. Thanks for asking.
 
cheshiredragon
Be glad you are not in Houston. I live in Dallas as does catman. A few others live in TX but, some from the old site didn't make it, I think. I agree about not wanting to be in this state. I want to move to Minnesota but, I either wait for a transfer from my work to a different department that is in Minnesota OR I get my Windows Server 2008 MCITP certification and move there myself. The MCITP for Server 2008 is looking better than waiting. Of course, it will still take me a year to get that cert, BLEH
That's right, I said it...
 
RayvenAlandria
Oh Jayon, I didn't know you and your wife were apart. I'm sorry. I know exactly how you feel. Although my husband and I are back together, we aren't *together*. He's happy as a clam that my son and I chose to stay with him and move to Okie-not-so Dokie land with him, but I feel like close friends/roommates, not a couple. I am so scarred by what he did that I am afraid of relationships now and just stay alone. I can date, we agreed to be poly, but I don't even want to. I'm lonely but afraid of getting hurt again. It sucks. I can empathize with what you're going through. I hope things fall into place for you soon and you can find some happiness.
 
jayon
RayvenAlandria wrote:
[...]I hope things fall into place for you soon and you can find some happiness.


may we all find this fabled happiness you speak of. ;p
 
cheshiredragon
RayvenAlandria wrote:
Oh Jayon, I didn't know you and your wife were apart. I'm sorry. I know exactly how you feel. Although my husband and I are back together, we aren't *together*. He's happy as a clam that my son and I chose to stay with him and move to Okie-not-so Dokie land with him, but I feel like close friends/roommates, not a couple. I am so scarred by what he did that I am afraid of relationships now and just stay alone. I can date, we agreed to be poly, but I don't even want to. I'm lonely but afraid of getting hurt again. It sucks. I can empathize with what you're going through. I hope things fall into place for you soon and you can find some happiness.


Wow, I had no idea how similar yours and my life are. I too have my son and his mother living with me. Which is kewl cause now i can hang out with my son, whenever. I only have similar feelings as to why I stay single. Like you, we are allowed to date and she has a few times. I know that I am incapable of having a relationship cause I am truly 1 in several billion but, I am not even trying cause that girl doesn't exist. I sure hope you haven't given up yet. I have been here for 3yrs and it does get really lonely even when someone is in the same house and just on the other side of that wall.
She says I have been a better person since we broke up and much nicer. I did have a major life changing event 1˝yrs ago that made me change my outlook on life and I think that is what did it for me. Even though we are close again and closer now cause I have changed a lot for the better(I am not sure of her feelings); I do not want to get back with her or anyone else for that matter.
I can completely empathize with you on your current situation
That's right, I said it...
 
RayvenAlandria
Our situations are somewhat different CD, but similar. My husband wants to be *together* and is very happy and relieved that we stayed with him, but I would prefer to just stay best friends. If I could somehow magically erase my memory and forget how deeply he hurt me things might be fine, but that can't happen. No matter how much I would try, I could never again trust someone who has berayed the family the way he has. Once you break trust to that extent there is simply no way to get it back. It's a harsh reality he has accepted. We get along fine and no one would have a clue that we aren't happily married by looking at us, but I feel alone. It will never be the kind of relationship I want to have. I accept that and deal with what we do have.

I am open to dating but I haven't met anyone in a long time worth dating. (I haven't bothered looking either). It's kind of weird, on one hand I feel lonely and wish I had a partner I actually felt was a partner, but one the other hand I don't want to be hurt again so I'd prefer to stay alone.
Edited by RayvenAlandria on 12/02/2008 03:29
 
Skeeve
jayon! good to see you again! i hope things get better for you, bro.
"The world is my country, and do good is my religion." - Thomas Paine
 
catman
Jayon! I wondered what had become of you. Welcome to the site!

By the way, I live in Fort Worth, not Dallas. I will forgive CD's almost unforgivable faux pas.Wink

I was divorced in 2001, and I still feel myself to be 'damaged goods'. I wanted to find another partner for a few years, but I am no longer actively looking. If it happens, it happens, and if it doesn't, it doesn't. The divorce came out of nowhere, as far as I knew; everything was fine the day before, then I woke up to "I want a divorce". So much for trust.
Edited by catman on 12/02/2008 00:26
"If I owned both Hell and Texas, I'd live in Hell and rent out Texas." - General Sheridan
 
Hypatia
Hi Jayon, and welcome back to the farm. Ahm. I mean fold.

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RayvenAlandria
Catman, I never knew that was how you got divorced. Ouch. How awful. I can understand you being afraid to trust again.
 
Nails3Jesus0
Sounds very familiar Catman. I came home from visiting my brother and she was gone. Never came back. Mailed me the divorce papers.
 
RayvenAlandria
You too Nails? Was she afraid of confrontation and this was a normal way for her to do things?
 
jayon
Not saying I want it your way either, but ours was a slow and painful process. We got worse and worse and tried to work it out. I think it reflected at the time I was on the site, I can't remember. It kept sitting on both of our shoulders heavier and heavier. There were a few 'kickers' that kind of made things worse, but there was no definitive anything that really just stopped it cold. It's kind of even now still going on, but I'll get to that later. My biggest mistake was to head up to Seattle in the worst of my troubles. I was depressed, broke, had sold all my stuff, it was winter, I was sleeping outside. It was a recipe for disaster. I found my way indoors, but it really pushed me far down. I'm still surprised I didn't try to take some kind of drug or didn't even think of suicide at the time. I guess I'm so against both that they don't even come up as options in the worst moments in my life. I even saw one guy throw himself off a bridge. Living on the streets is really tramatic for some people. Especially in the winter in Seattle.

I'm out of that phase, but not without some help. However, that was the moment I chose to tell my parents that I was an atheist. Great timing on my part. Now I was depressed and found myself defending myself. I still dislike them for that, even though I understand that in some ways they were struck a little harder than they expected. I wish I was stronger at the time. I would have stood up to my father more. He said some hateful things and doesn't even remember them now. The only thing I think I even responded to was one thing he said. "I've never met an atheist until you." I told him that this proably wasn't true, because I know he doesn't ask everybodies religion. He may be devout, but he doesn't go around asking people if they believe in god (as I've seen some people do). Plus on top of that, my brother is an atheist, but they still don't know that. You'd think they would have figured it out, since he defends my lack of belief all the time. I think they prefer denial to the obvious truth in front of them. I broke that barrier and told them the truth and they couldnt' handle it.

 
seeker
Hey Jayon, nice to see you again.


I can relate, my divorce was a sort of slow erosion over about a year or two of just slowly growing apart. We are actually good friends now but probably wouldn'r be had we stayed married.
 
cheshiredragon
catman: I technically live in Ft. Worth too(North East Tarrant county) but, Dallas is much more hip and recognizable. Especially during football season heh
That's right, I said it...
 
Nails3Jesus0
RayvenAlandria wrote:
You too Nails? Was she afraid of confrontation and this was a normal way for her to do things?


I guess so. I try not to analyze it too much because I tend to beat myself up (just the way I am). Hindsight being 20/20, I should have seen her past two divorces as big red flags, but what can I say? Love makes idiots out of all of us.
 
RayvenAlandria
Nails3Jesus0 wrote:
RayvenAlandria wrote:
You too Nails? Was she afraid of confrontation and this was a normal way for her to do things?


I guess so. I try not to analyze it too much because I tend to beat myself up (just the way I am). Hindsight being 20/20, I should have seen her past two divorces as big red flags, but what can I say? Love makes idiots out of all of us.


True dat.
 
catman
CD: Dallas is much more hip? I beg to differ. Dislocated hip, perhaps.Wink
"If I owned both Hell and Texas, I'd live in Hell and rent out Texas." - General Sheridan
 
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